In Dreams

I woke up this morning, unsettled because I had been dreaming about a friend who committed suicide. Not even a friend really, he was my coworker and acquaintance, and he died four or five years ago. So why now? I dreamed that I was trying to help him get a job at an animal reserve, and I was writing a letter of recommendation for him. The details are foggy already, only hours later. This particular friend's death was especially troubling because of the circumstances. He was younger than me, and took his own life immediately after his wife died on the operating table. I was sad at the time, yes, but more than that, I was deeply disturbed. That feeling stayed with me for some time.

I've said this before: death doesn't usually affect me deeply. Of the people I have lost, I have rarely shed a tear. This is true of this friend, and others. Grandparents. Co-workers. Clients. The only time I remember crying was when my cat was run over and killed when I was 21. At some point I’ve wondered if there was something wrong with me. Am I that well-adjusted? Am I that accepting? Am I incapable of grieving? I won't know until I face a true test, the death of someone in my inner circle. This is something that terrifies me.

It may be that my reaction is one of denial, or perhaps I'm unnaturally unimpressed with the idea, contrary to thousands of years of human tradition. Death? So what. It happens. Sooner or later, it happens. And we are often at its mercy. The only thing I fear for myself is what I will or will not accomplish before it claims me. 

I also recently dreamed of Suzy, my deceased doggie best friend and writing companion. Not bad dreams. But waking up from that was uncomfortable. Jarring even, because it forces home the idea that she isn't here anymore, which I endeavor not to realize most of the time. That feigned ignorance is how I deal with quite a few things in my life. I compartmentalize and refuse to acknowledge  unfortunate truths. I don't see it as denial. It's simple survival, and perhaps I'm really good at that. Yeah, I'm good at that.

Dreams, though, are a writer's paradise. Even more so in fiction. Anything can happen. A husband and wife will be reunited on the other side. And a cherished dog (or a street mutt, like in Coco) can become a spirit guide in the afterlife.

I think I owe that to Suzy.

J. L. Dodd

"As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death." 
- Leonardo da Vinci

Links

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/leonardo_da_vinci_154282?src=t_death