Tell me WTF is wrong with me!

Remember a few months back when I stopped reading? It was a truly horrible thing to experience. Then over the summer I completely stopped listening to music. My life was a painful, quiet experience, and I'm still coming out of it. During the early stages of my recovery, all I could stomach was vintage TOP. LP caused a sinking feeling and even pain. Sometimes tears. Nothing else appealed to me, even that music I was recently enamored with. So what does this say about my state of mind? I'm not certain, though I'm sure it isn't good. Whatever is going on, I'm determined to work through it. Sometimes.

Just yesterday, I noticed a disturbing trend in my recent blogs and drafts: they are all reviews. I'm trying to figure out why. I guess ... nothing organic has occurred to me in some time. So what is my fucking problem? Am I just not trying hard enough? Is it because I'm focused on other things ALL THE TIME???

I think much of it has to do with the frustration that is growing inside me. I'm extremely frustrated with my book. I'm frustrated with the slow progress of my business. I'm frustrated in my personal development and study. And I'm frustrated because it seems no matter how much effort I put in or how differently I approach my obstacles, nothing changes. Nothing. Fucking. Changes. I'm Sisyphus; I'm a goddamned hamster in a wheel. I'm trying to embrace impermanence and Buddhism and have a good attitude but most days it's impossible and it's all bullshit and I want to give up and watch Netflix for the rest of my life.

Sorry, people. As much as I'd like to write something meaningful and/or cohesive and/or in the least bit worthwhile, today I just can't. I'm going to go watch Korean dramas and eat tortillas and probably go to sleep early.

Peace.

J. L. Dodd

Given Up
by Linkin Park

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape
I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I'm suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused, but I'm scared
I'm not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow, somewhere
And no one cares
I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I'm suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me

God!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my fucking misery

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I'm suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me