Amazon reviews: a literary playground

I've been Pinteresting like mad people. I think in the absence of doing real work, I tell myself that Pinterest = research. Yeah, right. But it lead me to search Amazon for this: Death Wish Coffee (an apparent exaggeration). And there I stumbled upon a review by Benny Profane that was well-written and funny. So I read some of his other reviews. Then I found the three sloths T-shirt. The thing sells itself, so most of the reviews are sarcastic treatises on what it means to live as a sloth (or with sloths, or as the queen of the sloths), in other words, well worth my time to read.

Three Wolf Moon Shirt Sloth Parody

In addition to books and some random products, I noticed that Benny had written reviews for flags (actual flags) from small countries (Swaziland, Qatar, Mongolia, etc). Weird, but turns out he wasn't reviewing the flags, he was roasting the countries for various political and human rights transgressions, fiscal irresponsibility, generally being assholes, you name it. WTF? Although extremely clever, it seems rather passive-aggressive. Then again, you won't catch me writing about important shit like that. I live in my own little bubble, people. I emerge when and if I want to, and when I do, I only go where I want.

Since when did this become a thing? I use Amazon a lot, and I've never run across these types of reviews until now. Okay, not true, I've seen the Haribo sugar-free gummi bears reviews on Pinterest, and I'll admit, although I consider myself above toilet-humor, I laughed my ass off. Perhaps I'll revise that opinion of myself (as I seem to keep doing these days). I've reviewed a few things myself, but usually only because Amazon harasses me about it. But usually one or two sentences will suffice, unless it's a book that was really awful, in which case you will feel my wrath. Sorry not sorry. But again, I still learn from these books. I learn what not to do.

Unfortunately, Benny seems to be in hiding, as he hasn't reviewed anything since 2014. But I suggest if you are bored (or procrastinating, like me) that you read his reviews. There's just the right amount of snarkful (yes, I made that up) yet eloquent prose combined with startling insight to be highly entertaining. Benny, wherever you are, you are more talented than most of us shit-mongering literary hopefuls. I hope you are writing something more meaningful than Amazon reviews.

J. L. Dodd

P.S. I just realized I am reviewing reviews.

"Loneliness can feel like an effervescent stench at times. Every interaction you have, every conversation with a grocery store bagger or coffee shop barrista, reminds you how very alone you are. It becomes self-perpetuating; every time you look at someone all you see is the ocean of indifference between your souls. The feeling that no one can reach you, not now, not ever." - Benny Profane

This review is from: Heimlich Helper - Self-Assist Choking Emergency Device - Easy Individual Use - No Setup Necessary - Comes with Mounting Bracket (Tools & Home Improvement)
https://www.amazon.com/gp/review/R1Y70U83U5C01O?ref_=glimp_1rv_cl

RANDOM AF! Cats with guns on unicorns are awesome!

I have an annoying habit of self-psychoanalyzing, even though my qualifications as a psychoanalyst are, let's just say, in question. Doesn't stop me. Actually, I'm pretty sure we all do it; I'm just a little more aware of the fact. Anyhoo, I seem to go through cycles of normalcy, then periods of obsession, and sometimes mild depression. And by mild, it usually lasts less than a day, but when it hits, I want to stay in bed and watch Netflix. And nothing will get me out of bed. We once had flour tortillas for dinner due to this phenomena, and I didn't even get up to go get them.

 As I move ever closer to the stark landscape of nothingness that is death, I have realized how important work is to keeping me going, regardless of which point in the cycle I happen to be experiencing. It forces me to get up, get dressed, interact with others, and be productive. Yay! I'm a productive member of humanity. When fighting my own innate resistance, this, along with the desire to get paid, is crucial. So I am so very thankful I have a 9-to-5. As much as I enjoy writing, it will always be a hobby for me, being that I lack the discipline and the motivation to commit to the drudgery that is being an author. Maybe someday that will change. But, again, I'm getting older, and the probability that I'll change is next to nil. Even now, I prefer the cold comfort of routine and familiarity. If I go to get gas, I go to the same gas station, and use the same pump. If I go out to eat, I go to the same places, sit at the same table and order the same shit. I could write it off as merely an issue of convenience, but I'd be lying to myself. In short: we are all doomed to become inflexible, crotchety old bastards.

 It's fine. It's normal. People who survive in this world long enough are entitled to be crotchety.

 That being said, a smidge of unpredictability and surprise might be good for me. It could act as a muse, provide a little inspiration. Said muse recently appeared in the form of a friend and has wreaked havoc on my (real) writing. My thinking has become chaotic, and it remains to be seen if my writing will eventually benefit. But then again, I would argue with myself, mindful chaos will no doubt be a catalyst for change. I know I will not willingly abandon my cold comfort, my love of sameness and predictability.

 As long as I don't fall too far into either obsession or depression, I think I'm good. There's a fine line, fo sho. I finally realize how close to crazy we all are. Just a few steps in either direction, and every one of us could be considered a mental health statistic. I identify now more than ever with obsessive-compulsives, hoarders, agoraphobics and the like. Only time will tell which direction I go, but I might just combine the three and shoot for crazy cat lady. I've always thought cats were awesome (especially when they're in outer space and have laser eyes) and that I could lead a minimally successful existence as long as I had a laptop and wifi. Add 60 cats to that, and I'm set.

 J. L. Dodd

 SWEET!!!

Review XP Elantris by Brandon Sanderson

By now, you probably know I am a sworn fan of Brandon Sanderson (which simply means I will swear at you if you say a single bad word about him). I just finished his debut novel Elantris, which I picked up at a used bookstore. It's much shorter that his other works, which is why there wasn't quite as much building toward something awesome, but it was still awesome. I imagine it would be quite daunting for a debut author and/or his publisher to put out a 1,000-page book like those in the Stormlight Archives series.

That being said, I thoroughly enjoyed Elantris, the plot and story line intriguing and original. I always thought that predictability in a novel was a bad thing, but Sanderson makes it work. As a reader, you have your own ideas about what you want or what you think should happen. As the story progresses, the expectation and intensity builds. You can't wait for (fill in the blank) to happen, and when it does, it's glorious.I just realized that sounded rather sexual. Well, I suppose it is a bit of a mind fuck. All good stories are.

SPOILER: For instance, in Elantris, you know Raoden is going to eventually become a full Elantrian, you just know it, and that's what keeps you reading.

I can see a parallel to Lovecraft's stories in that they build in a different direction, toward something horrible, but again, you can guess at.

Manga, on the other hand, is written as a tease (enter fanfic, basically literary masturbation). Whatever you really really want to happen, that absolutely will not happen. It may come close to happening, but it won't. And if by some miracle, it does happen, it will be immediately reneged on. And I understand. This is what keeps us reading. If not, you might as well write a novel instead. But it still sucks. I'm talking to you Yoshiki Nakamura.

J. L. Dodd

“I'm Galladon, from the sovereign realm of Duladel. I'm most recently from Elantris, land of sludge, insanity, and eternal perdition. Nice to meet you.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Elantris

“One cannot seperate truth from actions... Physically inevitable or not, truth stands above all things. It is independent of who has the best army, who can deliver the longest sermons, or even who has the most priests. It can be pushed down, but it will always surface. Truth is the one thing you can never intimidate.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Elantris

RANDOM AF! Starbucks and the impending zombie apocalypse ...

Today when I should have been working, I was thinking about Starbucks. In some cities, like Las Vegas, there are Starbucks locations literally around corners, usually just out of the line of sight of the last one. In fact, Las Vegas is tenth on the list of most Starbucks stores, with 136 stores total, behind Seoul, New York, and of course, Seattle, to name a few. If you think I'm exaggerating, check this out: http://www.starbucks.com/store-locator/search/location/Las%20Vegas%2C%20NV%2C%20USA

Literally, on top of each other.

I was trying to understand why a large corporation would pack them so close together, when it would obviously be more profitable to spread them out so they aren't competing with each other. Is this some kind of really expensive, ridiculous marketing ploy? Are they fucking with our heads, that green and white logo haunting our collective subconscious until we are addicts by association? Or, as my dark half asked, could there be a different reason?

Think about it: if you were an evil genius and you wanted to start a zombie apocalypse (admit it, we've all thought about it at one time or another), what would be the perfect, socially acceptable vehicle to infect millions in one fell swoop of morning addiction? Cafe lattes, mochas, cappuccino ... followed by brains brains brains. Not surprisingly, after a quick Google search, I realized I'm not the first to associate the two, though perhaps the first to assign them a causal relationship. So if you are reading this in the future and intend to go back in time and stop this shit, (James Cole) listen up! Start with Starbucks. Howard Schulz is probably just a pawn in someone else's game of world domination. It might be that suspicious IT guy who fixed my computer's internet last week. And if he happens to be from Seattle, you are definitely in trouble. People, if you don't hear from me again, it's because they are on to me.

You may not know this, but I'm an optimist by nature. What? Optimists aren't necessarily goody two-shoes who can't enjoy dropping the f-bomb. Let's look at the bright side of a Starbucks-fueled zombie apocalypse. Virus-laced lattes would make possible a new round of natural selection. Seriously people, it wouldn't hurt to have a few less humans on the planet. And if you did get infected, maybe being a zombie wouldn't be that bad. Who's to say? Have you ever been a zombie? Don't knock it till you try it.Then again, if you refuse to start your day without a venti vanilla latte, you may already be one.

J. L. Dodd

"Starbucks is spreading like a cancer."- Rupert Everett

"Starbucks represents something beyond a cup of coffee." - Howard Schultz
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/starbucks.html

"Humanity is mind-controlled and only slightly more conscious than your average zombie." - David Icke

“In my world there would be as many public libraries as there are Starbucks.”
― Henry Rollins

RANDOM AF! Summer reading and dicking around

I'm finding this summer that I have less and less time for reading (and writing, especially blogging). I'm not exactly sure why. Some of it is my kids are home and hogging MY computer. Who lets them? Well me, but you don't understand. I have guilt when I kick them off. And screw you anyway, voice in my head.

I did manage to finally (after at least 3 months) finish the 3rd book in Stephen King's The Dark Tower series, The Wastelands. It was wonderful and horrifying, as expected. Roland is just a bad ass, and so is Jake, come to think of it. I haven't started the 4th book, although I've been toting it around for at least a week now. A few days ago I found a used copy of Elantris, by one of my favorite authors Brandon Sanderson, (see http://jldodd78.blogspot.com/2013/10/mistborn-trilogy.html) which I started reading right away. This is his debut work, and within the first few pages I was so intrigued that I've been reading whenever I can, which isn't nearly enough.

I got dragged to the movie "The Conjuring 2" over the weekend, and was pleasantly terrified. I screamed and jumped and laughed (a little). I haven't seen the first movie, and truthfully I hate watching scary movies, but either I'm getting older or number because it didn't bother me too much, and I did manage to enjoy it in spite of the subject matter. I have a love/hate relationship with all things Lorraine Warren. I find her work fascinating, but it scares the shit out of me. Back when I still had cable TV, I used to watch a show called "Paranormal State." Think "Ghost Hunters," but real shit. These kids were in the business of helping people, not fame-mongering. Mrs. Warren appeared on the show from time to time, assisting the team of with their investigations. If I've learned anything from my hours of TV watching, its this: seriously people, do not play with Ouija boards. Something bad WILL happen.


I'll be back to business in August, I hope. I can't keep pretending I'm on summer vacation as well. Have a great summer!

J. L. Dodd